Remorse

Remorse

By Rishi Shukla

Penned on 30/04/2022 

Forgive me for I am guilty

I didn’t mean to commit this felony

Wronged have I before but not with intent

Whether it be a friend or a fiend

Never thought I would hurt so much a mind

Ever so the person who is of special kind

In whose honor I bow and swear my allegiance 

But is it not that we hurt only those whom we truly love?

Drunk with youth I was novice

Merry in life when destiny ticked with a surprise

At first encounter unaware of your divinity

I took a bet with gamblers proclivity

Unrealized the blessing that your presence brought

The pirate was chanced upon a treasure without a kill   

Soaked in your pleasure I learnt about the pain

Found hymns and ballads to be of vain

It was through your mercy that I saw my cruelty

To which I owe my humility

Your love makes hatred conspicuous

Enlightens to what’s righteous

Aghast I ask who is more blessed

One who shows the right path or the one who embarks on it?

Gratitude waned into claim

Have no one but myself to blame

Reverence was corrupted by ignorance

Disgraced burglar spilled his last pence

Eventually divine called out my perfidy

Followed by mortals diatribe on infidelity

With the list of sins rolled, jury was out

Unfathomable truth seeped in as I was put to the strictest trial

My body, mind and soul were put to a test

As I grappled with guilt, loath and unrest

I searched for felons who conspired with me

Found them leering on my apathy 

Soon I realized God now asked his munificence 

To be repaid with my atonement.   

Mistakes made lessons learnt

But have reached here with midnight oil burnt

Grateful of your love I held you as a mascot

Followed you to the extent of a bigot

Even the darkest clouds have silver lining

Mine was full of ecstasy and exulting 

Fate undecided I ponder do I deserve condemnation

Cannot my sins be washed with your forbearance… O’ Divine  

My first interview....

My story is same as that of Madhavan’s character in “3 IDIOTS”.  After it was confirmed that I was a boy my grandfather declared that I will grow to become an IAS officer. During my whole life it was portrayed that no other job is as praiseworthy and nothing would bring more glory to the family than my selection into IAS. So from very beginning of my life I have cherished the idea of getting into this elite service and hence opted out of placements. To my remorse, placements turned out to be the best ever. There were people who never dared to think above 3 lakhs per annum job and eventually bagged more than 7 lakhs. Low CGPA was also not a problem for the consultancies (not far from another crisis). Believe me if students were paid two-thirds of the compensation being paid now they would have been just fine and elated. But during all this I kept my cool and decided to be firm on my stand. But my anxiety subdued my patience and I went for PWC aptitude test. Now there were some 100 students there, all BITSians, who, as I believed then, had a sound mental aptitude. I gave this exam without stressing my nerves for a single question and managed to complete the test well before the stipulated time. Though there were many questions I didn’t had any clue about, but by completing the test (40 questions) in 55 minutes, I must say, I impressed myself. But still I was quite certain about my rejection as I was told that every other student in the room has appeared for similar test for more than 10 times before. And yeah many of them were fucking serious about their test as they didn’t have job. There life depended on this test. For me it was just a free mock practice paper for my forthcoming IAS Prelim exam. I came back to my room only to be woken up by my friends who saw my name in the shortlist of 22 candidates. I was told that I was one of the 92 test givers who managed to surpass the rest 70. Initially I was very happy but then I realised that I didn’t had formals. Then I had not made resume for interview. And at the same time I couldn’t afford taking a risk of not sitting in placements and inviting a penalty and frequent proff. visits. My friend Shah bhai came to my rescue and provided me with his suite and trousers. So I was now all well dressed for interview but still didn’t have a resume. Now I had to make my resume in 5 mins as the interview time was nearing. I made half of it and decided to take this along with me. That was the only piece of document I had when I sat for my interview. I managed to be there just on time. Then came my number and I found myself sitting in a small room of a hotel with 2 interviewer sitting on the other side of table. They asked my Resume ripping me off my only possession. They then interacted for few minutes and asked about stuffs like interests and passion. I did particularly well in Current Affairs section but none of my efforts to portray myself as a suitable candidate yielded fruits and my half page resume did enough to disqualify me from sitting for next round. I was shown my way out and my 2 close friends made it. And hence ended my first and only attempt to find an employer for myself. Though it was a good experience but I later realised that I couldn’t have helped my cause by doing anything better in my interview. At the end it was the resume that they considered apart from ensuring that one can speak English and is presentable enough to not invite embarrassment to the world’s second largest auditing firm Price Waterhouse Coopers. 

How Lafda became Commitment......

India got independence in 1947. First women became prime minister in 1966. Mobile came in 1994. Its with tremendous rate the world have changed around us. Everything around us have shrunk of its original size. Mobile phones, Computers, Laptops and ladies wardrobe. If you see down the lane its with unimaginable speed this shrinkage has taken place. Few tried to resist it but they were subdued by the larger rest who wanted to keep it small. Its the generation of smaller volume. Just look back how our beautiful heroines from past had such nice bellies, voloptous figures and which was more than amazing was also a requirement for the industry. Slim girls didnt had their way those times. But it has changed. I am not saying its unfortunate or wrong I am just retrospecting. How we got infatuated with small. How our society changed this much nearly with no time lag. I want to present an exciting case study of much disputed topic “Relationship”.

I was born on 30^th march 1990 and became clever enough till 2000. Any observation before this date is being extracted from sources and is not mine. But given the rapid transformation the society has taken around us I think I would not even need that data. Comparing 2000 with 2010 will  be enough. I want to recall an incidence of 1998, 14 feb, when our family had a close door meeting just because they had spotted my cousin with a girl and flower in his hand. Should say she was beatiful, he managed a beautiful score, much to my surprise. There were mixed emotions. My aunt was really angry and my uncle was disappointed that he failed to give right teachings (‘Sanskaar’) to his boy. My mother took it as a warning and hence started beating me even for watching MTV (which in those days was put in same league as FTV and it was a taboo). My brother, who just lost his sweetheart, was the least distured. He told me later that he was all being casual about it. This event spread as an electric signal to all our distant relatives and my brother soon became subject of dinning table gossip. He later told me that he has just talked to her 3 times and had sent her only two letters (Gosh... How fast!!!!). So my brother attained the title of “LAFADEBAAJ”, “AWARA”, “CHAKKARBAJ”, ”LAFUT” etc. This was 1998.

Then came 2002, 14 Feb. I reached my home and banged the door, which was locked from inside. Till then it was a great day. I was so happy then. My mom opened the door and gave me a tight slap. I was on the ground with my lips bleeding. I was totally shocked, clueless of what had just happened. She then lifted me up pulling my hair and banged my head on wall. I was dead, rather wanted to be dead. My father shouted from inside, “Let him come inside”. I came to my father hoping for a respite but found him totally fine with my condition. I was horrified and mentally devastated. He told my mother to stop but mom didn’t oblige and kicked me hard in my stomach. I was on my all fours. Now the time had come when I was to be told by my parents about what they till now claim was biggest mistake of my life. So it was 14^th Feb, Valentines Day, and my friend Rohit was , again in same manner as 1998, spotted with his angel with red rose. While he was romancing with her love he was thougt by his father to be with me for combine studies. He then called my father to know what I was doing only to be told that I was playing cricket with rohit (I was actually playing Playstation which again was not permitted in my home). He immideately concluded my involvement as a middleman in fixing them up and told my father his interpretation of situation. He warned my father of my tender age and ‘obscene’ stuff I might be involved in. This came as a shock in my family as they could figure out that I have idealized my much defamed cousin and would end up being “LAFADEBAAJ”. My bicycle was seized and my mom appointed home servant to keep an eye n me whenever, if any, I went outside. I was given food in my room and this exile for me continued for more than 3 months. Finally class 7^th results were out and once again came out with bright colours. So I was punished and home arrested just for having comradery with a guy who was spotted with a girl with red rose on 14^th of Feb. So this was 2002.

Now forwarding to 2010, my 3^rd in BITS, world, at least for me seemed to be on complete different state/direction. I was sitting on a garden with my friend (male) and we were ashamed of having come here with each other. All the couples sitting there were staring at us and their eyes were barking “This place is not for gays...... Go find a girl for yourself and then come here”. Coming back to wing we find our wingies discussing about Bitsian girls. Interestingly, The girl who is now fixed up or what they say nowadays committed has seemed to replace seeta of ramayan and those who were still unpaired were look down as bitches who either had too pimples in their face or are too casual too take relationship seriously and thus frequently changed guys. Very few actually had biblical intentions. I was totally confused. And mind it I am talking about BITS PILANI, premier Engineering College in Pilani village, not St. Stefan’s or LSR of Delhi University. Now ladies seem to take proud of the fact that they were paired and have attached divine meanings to so called relationships. What earlier was AFFAIR or LAFADA has now become COMMITMENT and SERIOUS RELATIONSHIP.  “Ditching”, “It didn’t work out well” etc have become so common and socially acceptable.

I still remember the beatings of my mom and have never even in my dreams fantasized the idea of pairing up. But what I have learnt is that you will have to change. I am totally fine with relationships when it comes to my friends or society at large (Though I don’t rate them any higher from guys and gals who are still in lookout for their mate). But still not sure how would I react if some day my own sister would have an affair (Though it’s totally imagination since I don’t have one). And people who fight for their human rights should have balls to come before the parents and frankly tell them that you have been seeing a girl whom you want to marry so fuck all your plans to marry me with your caste girl and better get used to all the shit I have brought upon you.

Innovation v/s Security

With any other mobile network, except blackberry services where it has its own VPN (Virtual Private Network), the real time messages or  mails sent are first converted by sender’s network into an unreadable cipher and then once again decoded by receiver’s network while reception. Government has the access to this data and hence is assured of the national security. With blackberry services which handles its data through its VPN, government is left without access of data. This has generated concerns in the Government which fears its wrong use by anti-national forces thus jeopardises its security. It has asked Blackberry to divulge all the information( by making decrypt accessible) regarding its internet services, messengers, public mail and corporate mail services. RIM (Research In Motion) has agreed upon making accessible its messenger chat and public mail service but not corporate mails saying that it has "no ability to provide its customer's encryption key". Blackberry has mooted that the Blackberry Enterprise Server (BES) which has a VPN and hence is responsible for its corporate mails fall outside the ambit of enablement of lawful access just like other real time information providers like Google Talk and Skype. Government, however, seems to be giving no relaxation to one of the  fastest growing mobile company with 1 million subscriber base in country by advocating that the providers like Google Talk and Skype will also have to soon provide solution for legally intercepting services.


http://www.domain-b.com/industry/telecom/20100823_smartphone.html
http://www.domain-b.com/industry/telecom/20110113_blackberry.html

Here comes the first one....

I actually wanted to start blogging quite a time back, almost when I joined college. Back then, it wasn’t much about the self expression. I just fancied the idea of owning a blog and believed that blog made one look cool and sent a good message. But my modest English always triggered fear inside me and I would contemplate my most feared thoughts, bunch of guys sitting in front of laptop mocking me and my blog. Now there are people who usually don’t give a damn but not ‘old me’. I, any given day, would have preferred cobra under my bed than letting my fanny cut off. This was me till recently my life underwent a drastic transformation. Everything around me got changed, be it city, taste, peers and preferences. Now I am, to a great extent, relieved of my ego and fear issues that had prevented me from doing most of the things I once treasured. With that happening I realized that I am at loss of the opportunities to do most of the things I cherished. Time has swiftly passed away. It sneaked out, like a thief from a room, of my hands and all I did was wait for the right time. I wanted to do things perfectly and that’s why I never did anything.  But there are something’s, thank god, for there is never late. And so comes up yours truly with his blog full with his ideas, views, perspectives, philosophies and life and travel experiences. I will bring to you my small town experiences of adolescence, Engineering College Hostel life of teenage and my recent metropolitan learning’s. I am a frequent traveller too and hence this blog will regularly feature my travelogues.

Let me give a brief introduction of myself. I hail from Bhilai, a city in central India known for its steel plant, and I am currently pursuing Civil Engineering from BITS PILANI. I am also an aspiring Indian Civil Service candidate. I am keen follower of Political, Social, Economic & Scientific happenings in India and abroad. I also love reading biographies of noted people. Cricket, Tennis & F1 are the sports I follow. I love riding bikes and hitting roads and usually go for long rides with friends. I love socializing and I am proud to have a rich social network involving friends with diverse interests, geographies and backgrounds. I don’t conceive myself as an extremist and I’m always open to non-populist arguments and theories. My Brahmin clan invokes in me a great enthusiasm and interest in religious domain (I am highly secular).

More about me will follow on my blogs where I will pen down my experiences.